A Comedy of Horrors
by The Art of Suicide
Summary: Polter-geist. A german word meaning literally "noisy ghost." This type of phenomena most often occurs around pre-pubescant or teenage girls.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Wow. I haven't written in a long time. Well, this plot's been driving me crazy, so here you go!**

"Adam! Barbara! I'm home!"

The door slammed behind Lydia as she dropped her backpack next to the staircase. The house was uncharacteristically quiet. Not to mention warmer than usual. Lydia had gotten used to the subtle chill of the Maitland's ghostly aura that haunted her home. Her father and Delia were vacationing in Vegas right now, so the house was empty of her step-mother's nagging voice. However, the sound of clattering pots and delicious meals being cooked was usually a given when Lydia returned from school. Frowning, Lydia inspected the kitchen, dismayed to see it empty.

"_Where could they be..?"_

Lydia searched the rest of the house, stopping at the attic. There was nothing. No clue as to where the Maitlands could be. Lydia bit her lip in worry. This wasn't like them. Where could they be? Dread pooled in the pit of her stomach. What if they accidentally found their way into Sandworm land again? Lydia made to leave the attic, when she caught something out of the corner of her eye. Turning, Lydia spotted a note lying on top of Adam's model. The girl picked it up, her eyes tracing over the neat, delicately curved print of Barbara Maitland.

_Lydia,_

_We were summoned to Juno's office. She said it was important, something about __**his**__ trial. You have to be there too, as a primary witness. Juno's going to summon you to the Neitherworld sometime tonight. She wanted to summon you sooner, but I told her not to because of school. Make sure to wear something nice._

_Barbara._

_P.S. I baked you some cookies for an after-school snack. They're on a plate in the microwave._

Lydia's heart raced as she read the note. She knew exactly which "him" Barbara was referring to. It'd been months since the incident. Six months, to be exact. In that time, Lydia had flourished. She'd started wearing less make-up, opened up her wardrobe to a few colors other than black, and she'd even made a few friends under the Maitlands care. Her own parents had retreated into a state of constant vacationing, though they always left behind enough money to fill the house with food and pay the bills.

Lydia looked up at the grandfather clock stowed away inside the attic. It was 6pm already! She dropped the note, practically flying to her room to get ready. What to wear? Lydia decided on casual. She threw on some gray tights, a black skirt, and a purple turtleneck with a black vest. The finishing touch was a pair of old combat boots. Lydia left her choppy cut black hair fall down naturally. Her makeup was minimum, just a touch of mascara and some mint flavored gloss. The girl practically held her breath as she stood in front of the mirror, adjusting her outfit. She'd never been to the Neitherworld, though she'd begged Adam and Barbara relentlessly. They told her it was too dangerous. And now, here she was, at a moments notice about to be whisked away to the very place she'd begged to visit. It was all very exciting.

Save for one small detail of the trip. She'd have to stand trial for him. For Betelgeuse, her almost husband, ex-fiancé. Though she'd stood her ground during the few minutes they'd known each other, there was no doubt in her mind that the poltergeist knew she was terrified of him. He was nothing like Adam or Barbara or Juno, who were the only normal ghosts she'd ever encountered, save for the ghostly football team who'd danced the Senora with her. He was an entity of his own, defined by himself.

"Lydia Deetz."

Said girl gasped, turning to face the source of the voice. It was Juno, all dressed up in a gray business woman suit, sucking on a cigarette, and blowing the smoke out of her throat.

"I take it you got the Maitlands' note."

Lydia nodded nervously, not trusting herself to speak. Even though Juno was a woman of short stature, her presence filled the room.

"Well, let's get going then. This trial's been on hold for hours because of you."

With a blink and nod of her head, they were gone, flying through space and time. It felt like her inside were churning, trying to get out through every orifice on her body. Everything was black. It could've been hours, or a split second. Lydia would never be able to recollect how long her journey from the Human World to the Neitherworld took. They reappeared in a hallway. It was twisted and small. The floor was checkered white and black. The height of the ceiling seemed to expand the further down the hall they went. They were in front of a small set of double doors. Above the doors read was a sign that read "Court Room # 525600". Beneath that was the named "Judge Mental". Lydia gasped for air, falling against the wall, exasperated from the journey. Juno rolled her eyes, her own composure perfectly calm and reserved.

"Don't be so dramatic. Now, pull yourself together. You're going to be speaking before the Neitherworld's Royal Court, The King and Queen, Prince Vince, Judge Mental, and of course Betelgeuse."

Lydia flinched at the sound of his name, though Juno remained unaffected.

"Ready?"

Lydia's heart was ready to beat out of her chest, and it felt like all of her organs had dropped into her stomach.

"As ready as I'll ever be."


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I apologize for this abortion of a chapter. :/ I'm not sure how real courtrooms work, and I tried looking up information on it and I couldn't find any very reliable sources. So, I did my best in guessing.**

The courtroom was enormous. It was set up like a traditional courtroom, but more space was added in order to employ thrones for the King, Queen, and Prince. Neitherworld nobility, or what Lydia assumed to be Neitherworld nobility because of their medieval style fashion, were seated in balconies overlooking the court. Regular citizens sat in the pews. They dressed in modern garb, Lydia noted with interest. Juno walked in front of her at a surprisingly quick pace, for such a small woman. Lydia stumbled after her awkwardly, trying to take in everything she saw.

The man who Lydia assumed to be Judge Mental was seated where a courtroom judge was normally supposed to be seated, in the center of the room. Directly above him, on the balcony, sat a man and a woman of obvious importance. Next to them, on a smaller but still rather grand throne, sat a teenage boy. He looked about her age; nevertheless it was quite obvious he was as dead as the man and woman sitting next to him. His cheeks were hallowed out, and his skin held a deathly gray pallor. Shaggy black hair fell to his neck, and he slumped in his throne disinterestedly. He seemed as though he'd much rather be at home sulking than watching this boring spectacle.

'_He must be Prince Vince…'_

For a moment, his eyes drifted away from the center of the court and towards Lydia. Her eyes widened and she looked away blushing, embarrassed that she got caught staring. A moment later, she dared to glance back up, and immediately looked away again once she saw that his eyes were still on her.

"Sit down here."

Juno's scratchy voice broke her out of her reverie. Lydia followed the woman's orders and sat down. She was sitting in the pews near the front, with the rest of the Neitherworld citizens. Juno didn't sit with her. She continued to the front, where the trial was being held. She sat to the left. Parallel to her was Betelgeuse.

From her point of view, Lydia had a pretty good view of him. He, however, didn't seem to notice her. He looked worse, if that was possible, from the last time she'd seen him. His hands were chained behind his back, and he was wearing the black and white striped suit she'd seen him in when he was sitting on the gravestone in Adam's model. His eyes were hallowed out and void of any emotion, which she considered odd because he always seemed to have some sort of face on, whether it was cocky, perverse… enraged.

The chair he was seated in was tipped back dangerously, and he had his legs up on the table, crossed. At the moment, someone Lydia believed to be Betelgeuse's lawyer was questioning the Maitlands, both at a time. They both stood in the Witnesses' stand, neither one taking a seat. The man questioning them was a beady little man. He was small, smaller than herself or Juno. He reminded Lydia very much of a lizard. Barbara seemed to be doing most of the talking.

"The first time we called Betel-… Him, we were trying to scare the Deetzes out of our house."

The lizard man narrowed his beady little eyes deviantly.

"I there any reason you couldn't do this _yourself_? The Deetzes are only human after all. I don't see how you could have any trouble getting the pesky little critters out."

His voice was a few octaves below nails scratching on a chalkboard. And… was that… a forked tongue? It was! His tongue was split down the middle! Barbara immediately got on the defensive.

"Well, it didn't even matter if we could scare them or not, because we decided to let the Deetzes stay!"

"_Decided_ to let them stay? Are you sure you didn't just back out of a previously made deal with my client, and then have no choice BUT to let the Deetzes stay? I'm sure the jury can agree with me on this- there's nothing scary about you two country bumpkins."

"OBJECTION!" Juno's voice cried out, her attention focused on Judge Mental. "Mr. Lacertilia is insulting my clients!"

Judge Mental acknowledges Juno's plea with a nod of his head. "Sustained."

The newly dubbed Lacertilia sneered, and for a split second Lydia could have sworn she saw him hiss.

"Yesss…" he hissed. "Well, I have made my point. You may return to your seats." Barbara and Adam obeyed, throwing the reptile man dirty looks as they went and took their place next to Juno. Lydia watched Juno whisper something in Barbara's ear. Barbara turned, spotted Lydia in the pews, and sent her the most brilliant, warm, mothering smile the girl had ever seen. Lydia returned it with her own awkward little smile.

Juno stood and dusted off her skirt before she addressed the judge.

"I'd like to call Lydia Deetz to the stand."


	3. Chapter 3

_Disclaimer: Beetlejuice belongs to Tim Burton and the Geffen Company. Not me. I am but a penniless writer who aims to please the hungry masses._

**A/N: I'm going to try and update everyday, but that's easy right now because of Spring Break. Next week I'm back in school, so we'll see how soon I'm able to update then. =/ Thank you RaversAnthem for my first review! :D**

A strange hush fell over the courtroom. Everyone's eyes were on Lydia, the dark little mortal from the human world- the life among the dead. Her eyes strayed upward; to wear the royals were sitting. Prince Vince had scooted forward on his seat and was gazing at her intensely. Against her better judgment, Lydia felt her eyes move towards Betelgeuse. He'd turned his entire torso back awkwardly in his chair in order to get an eyeful of her. She couldn't read his expression. It was odd; something akin to surprise, like he didn't expect Juno to bring her there to stand trial against him.

Lydia averted her eyes from him and stood. She made her way to the Witness' Stand, gaze on the floor the entire way. It was hard to ignore the whispers.

"_So she's his fiancée? I would've expected someone older."_

"_Well isn't she a tiny little thing…"_

"_Is Juno even allowed to bring mortals here?"_

"_Of course she is! She's Juno!"_

"_Not very pretty. I expected her to be prettier."_

Her knees were shaking under their harsh scrutiny. Once she made it to the stand, she had a view of the entire room, except for the King, Queen, and Prince who were seated directly above them. Juno approached Lydia carefully, sensing the girl's nervousness.

"Lydia, why don't you tell us how you met the Maitlands."

Lydia swallowed once, and then cleared her throat before she began.

"They were trying to scare Delia. They were hiding under some sheets and making… ghost noises."

She could hear members of the court and the jury scoffing at her.

"_Ghost noises?! Why the nerve!"_

Judge mental sneered and banged gavel down. It made Lydia flinch.

"ORDER! Order in my court! We must lend Miss Deetz a little patience. It's not as though she _knows_ what may offend us."

The courtroom quieted considerably. Juno resumed her questioning.

"Delia… is she your mother?"

"Step-mother. But she was asleep. When I first saw them, I thought that they were my parents playing some sort… game."

Juno took a long drag from her cigarette. Lydia found it funny that no one cared that she smoked in there. _'Of course no one cares. They're dead. It's not like they can get hurt from second-hand smoke.'_

"Yes and then what happened."

"Well, I took a few pictures of them, thinking maybe I could use it for blackmail later. And then they told me that they were ghosts, and that they didn't think live people could see them."

"Ah!" Betelgeuse lawyer spoke up. "So they _allowed_ themselves to be photographed! Amateurs." A few people in the pews whispered their agreement. Judge Mental was furious.

", you will hold that forked tongue of yours or I will charge you with contempt of court. Continue, Juno." Juno nodded her affirmation.

"Alright, Lydia. Why don't you tell me about the first time you saw Betelgeuse."

Lydia averted her eyes downward, flicking up towards Betelgeuse once for a split second. "The first time I saw him in person, or the first time I saw him ever?" Juno's brows furrowed a bit at Lydia's response. "In person."

"I was looking for the Maitlands up in the attic, that's where they stayed most of the time, and Betel- he told me that they were gone. Deader than dead. I told him that… I wanted to be dead too. He told me that if I called his name three times, he would take me to the other side to find them."

This must've been news to Juno. She looked appalled. "Child, do you have any idea what a deal of that nature would entail? Betelgeuse, with the powers he has now, would have had to _kill_ you in order to take you to the other side. Were you aware of this when you made the deal?"

Lydia's face turned a few shades whiter. "No."

"Objection!" hissed, eyes narrowed. "My client _never_ intended to kill Miss Deetz. No, his intentions were _much_ more honorable."

Juno turned on him, eyes full of fire. "Honorable, you said? Oh yes, that's right! He wanted to marry her against her will. Her, a 16 year old girl!"

Betelgeuse finally piped up, his gravelly voice filling the courtroom and drowning out Juno's and Lacertilian's. "Hey! That little _bitch_ is the one who accepted the deal in the first place. It's not my fault she got cold feet in the end! I was just _tryn' ta help her fulfill her obligation_…"

Judge Mental's gavel resounded through out the court once more. "That is enough! I have heard everything that I need to hear! Juno, Lacertilian you will meet me in my chambers in a few minutes." He turned his attention to the jury. "I'm sure you have everything you need to convict him. Deliberate for twenty minutes in the back, and then come back with your verdict. Miss Deetz, you may go sit with the Maitlands."

Judge Mental retreated into a door behind his stand, Juno and Lacertilian begrudgingly following him. Lydia stepped down from the stand and practically ran into Barbara's open arms. The courtroom began to fill with voices, the citizens and nobility voicing their opinion on who they thought was more in the wrong.

"Oh, Lydia!" Barbara gushed. "That looked awful. I wish you didn't have to go through all of this." Adam comforted her with a hand on her shoulder. "You did well Lydia. You told the complete truth, and that's the best thing you could have done."

"Well isn't that just _touching_." Lydia backed out of Barbara's arms and turned her attention to the source of the voice. Betelgeuse was standing a few yards away from them, his arms still cuffed behind his back. Neitherworld guards were watching him carefully, ready to take him down if he made any threatening gestures towards Lydia or the Maitlands.

"Why don't you just crawl back into the hole you came from." Lydia spoke up, taking a stance in front of the Maitlands.

"Oh ho! When did you get a backbone, girlie? Last I saw of you, you were shakin' in your lacy little weddin' dress. It was kinda sexy…" Betelgeuse waggled his brows at her, a slimy grin curling up his moldy lips and revealing his grimy green and yellow teeth. Lydia gagged.

"_You're disgusting_. A decent person would have rescued the Maitlands without asking for anything in return."

Betelgeuse grinned, looking her up and down shamelessly- stripping her with his eyes.

"Newsflash, _babe_. I ain't a decent person."

Adam placed a hand on Lydia's shoulder, sensing how angry she was getting. "He's not worth it, Lydia. Come on. To each his own." Lydia left him on last dirty look as she turned her back on him, ignoring his wolf whistle as she sat down, crossing her legs. The twenty minutes passed excruciatingly slowly. Lydia spent it talking quietly talking with the Maitlands and trying to ignore Betelgeuse's jeers. However, it wasn't long before the jury, Judge Mental, Juno and Lacertilian returned from the back. Judge mental made himself comfortable in his chair before turning his attention to the jury.

"Jury, have you reached a verdict?"

One person from the jury stood up as a representative. "Yes your honor. We find the defendant, Betelgeuse, Guilty with the charges of attempted marriage to a mortal, attempted murder of Charles Deetz, and intent to murder Lydia Deetz."

Lydia and the Maitlands cheered along with a vast majority of the courtroom.

"However…" the same voice rang out grimly, ending whatever cheers the Maitlands and Lydia may have had.

"We also find Lydia Deetz guilty with the charge not fulfilling a deal made with the dead."


End file.
